Mumblings of a middle aged woman
What is depression? How can people even give it a definition? Why would you want to undersstand such a concept? such an emotion? What is mania? Why am I a manic-depressive? Who knows?I get bad depression attacks. When I say bad, I mean really bad. Although not as bad as when I was much younger. And I suppose it is a good thing that I am the only person I know who has such a "disease". I cry out of nowhere. I brood a lot. Shouldn't be a problem? Right. It shouldn't, I suppose, not if I was alone in this world, and society does not exist. Too bad I need a job, where there are people I have to get along with. And I like sports where I need people to either play with or against.
There are times I just couldn't cry and just stare at nothing it would seem like 5 minutes, but when I look at my clock, well...well..., it has been 2 hours and I didn't even notice it. I suppose one could call this a "black out", awake but brain dead (that's a "tropa" term). And sometimes I get angry, at no one or nothing in particular, just angry in general.
And people tell me I am "strong" (yeah right!), a lot they know. I just try to survive, try to do what I can to sustain this farce of a life. I suppose I should confess that my faith is keeping me grounded now, but one cannot trust one's mental state. Even if I have faith when i have one of my "sumpongs" I am aware of nothing.
And then I sigh...
I wish I was dead...always that wish...and then i sigh all over again.
posted by indio @ 7:24 AM
2 Comments:
dont be too hard on yourself... :D
i try not to be but it is difficult
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